Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
