So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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