; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Randomize
