this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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