That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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