The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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