Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
