It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
A bitchslap is in order.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
