I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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