my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
