onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
