Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
