I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
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