I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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