once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Houston, we have a blender
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
