She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
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