my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize