I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
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