I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
