Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
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