More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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