Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
