The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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