I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Randomize
