that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
