Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
