Do you think red sox nation has an official powerpoint template/memo format for resignations of manny support, bandwagon applications, and other official business?
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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