Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
we're so committed to being not committed
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