i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
