every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
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