our cab driver is having phone sex.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
