dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
