someone get that fucking seahorse.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Randomize