One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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