My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
