Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Randomize
