So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
