im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
