my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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