I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
The uberlube is also flammable
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
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