Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
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