Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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