I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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