I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
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