I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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