I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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