Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
