we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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