OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
