Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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