I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
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