I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
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