Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
