I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
where are my pants?
in the oven.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
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