I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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