bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize