Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
