So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
