Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
