So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Randomize
