Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
