Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
