WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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