You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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