I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I faked an abortion last night.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize